#parentingtruth No. 17 - the danger of Can't

Oh parents, our words hold so much weight in the minds and hearts of our children. We ought to think more and talk less. One of the most dangerous words we may speak is can't.

First off, I have to say that this is a contraction that I have never liked. It sounds so harsh. The real word is cannot, which implies to me that while some of us cannot do a particular thing, others can. So let us agree to take can't out of our vocabulary, and when necessary, use the word cannot.

One of the biggest dangers  of can't is that we remember it for far too long. It is similar to saying "I love you, but..." 

Certain words stick in a child's heart and mind for much longer than others. For one of our daughters, the word but is understood to mean that everything I previously said has no value, only what comes after the but. For other children they struggle with cannot, or another qualifying word. Let me try to explain...

When I was growing up I was told "You can't do that, that's not how it works." Also, "you can't do that, you have to do this instead." Or one of the most discouraging "You cannot make any money at that, go into another field." Oy vey! How many times as a child, teen, or young adult did I believe the lies of the word can't? Way too many! If only more of the adults in my life had been encouraging with their words, instead of discouraging, I might have made much different choices.

Looking back I can see where God has made something good out of the choices I made, but I often wonder if there might have been a little less pain involved while learning the lessons I needed to learn if more of the adults in my life had pointed me to the God who CAN do all things, instead of focusing on the things I could or could not do on my own. I sincerely hope that I have learned enough of these lessons that I now choose my words carefully when speaking to our own daughters, and focus on what they may, can or should do, instead of what they cannot do on their own.

Can't was is the voices that told me I would never write for a newspaper again after high school Can't was in the message about which career paths to avoid. Can't was in the message that the only things available for me to do were in the activities the local public school offered. Can't told me to never take a picture straight into a mirror or a glass case. Can't told me I could be smart, but not liked. Can't told me that I had to settle for mediocrity or be ridiculed for using the brain God gave me. Can't told me that there was nothing to be done to bring joy to my life.

Can't is a liar.

God tells the truth, because He is truth.

Truth tells me that God has a plan for me to live an extraordinary life. God has blessed me with the opportunity to write a newspaper column every month for more than three years. God has blessed me with two co-mingled careers that allow me to serve and bless others. Truth reminds me to encourage my daughters to be just who God made then to be and to not hide their amazing brains just because it might make someone else feel uncomfortable. Truth shows me that there is a story worth telling in every single photo I take. Oh think of the stories I still have to tell!

Dear parent, there will be days when you need to tell your children they cannot do something, perhaps there is no money left in the budget, or they are too short for an amusement ride, or you have to be at work that day instead of on a field trip. Instead of filling their heads with a heavy burden of Can't's, choose instead to lovingly tell then that while they cannot do that activity today, you are sure that there is something even better that they can do soon. Then be on the lookout for God to reveal what they can, may and should do. Our words go from their ears to their brains and rest in their hearts. Fill then with daily reminders of what our amazing, loving God wants to do in and through them.

Speak the truth in love.

*I will be taking a break from this #parentingtruth series over the summer in order to bring you more fun road trip posts! Look for the #parentingtruths to return after Labor Day. In the meantime - let's get outdoors and explore!

#parentingtruth No. 16 - the immune system

As a mom or dad, there are a lot of things to think about. Sometimes the sheer number of things you are responsible for can be overwhelming. We started early with choosing to protect our children, both their hearts and minds, and their immune systems.

There are a few key points that we followed that allowed our girls to keep their immune systems stronger. This is not an exhaustive list, but the basic principles that helped me determine if this thing: food, activity, living situation, was a good fit for us.

1. Less sugar, more food

I was “that mom” long before it was a catch phrase. I was the one who limited their children’s sugar intake. In fact, there ended up being days of the year that we did not even leave home because everywhere we went, some well-meaning person would want to offer them a treat. (Think the day before Halloween and the weekend before Easter.) It is not like our girls never had sweets, they just had them with a lot more moderation than most children. By not filling their bellies with sugar, or refined flour, they were hungry to eat more real food, like organic beef, fruits and vegetables. So if you are wondering if your children are eating too much sugar… the answer is probably yes. Learning to appreciate a treat, instead of expecting one, is a good food lesson for all of us. :)

2. Soap

Just use good old-fashioned soap and water to clean your hands. Use it every time before you eat, and every time you use the bathroom. Seems like a simple concept right? Unfortunately too many people would rather slop some hand sanitizer on their children than take the time to teach proper hand washing. You don’t need antibacterial soap either, you just need to use soap - consistently! Soap kills germs, and removes dirt. Overuse of hand sanitizer can kill off even the good bacteria that live in your gut and help you digest food. It should be a last resort, not a first option. So go get some soap. It can be bars of soap from a local artisan, it can be a bar of ivory from the grocery store, or it can be foamy soap in a silly dispenser… just get back to teaching your children how and when to wash their hands. Their immune systems will thank you for it!

3. Immunizations

Ah, here it is… the one thing that divides more parents than politics - the topic of immunizations. Here is my take on it: you can choose to immunize your child or not, it is 100% your choice, not anyone else’s. I have friends whose children have had ever vaccine ever recommended, and others whose children have not had a single vaccine in their lives. Our girls fall somewhere in the middle. Now that they are both legal adults, if their are any immunizations that they did not have as children that they want to receive now, it would be a simple process for them to go get those. If they don’t want to ever have another vaccination, that is their choice as well. As the parent, you have to go with your own convictions.

I have two small things to say about this debate:

A- whatever you choose, do NOT ever shame another parent because of their vaccine choices. Their family their choice.

B- I’ve seen some studies on immune response. If you choose to get your child a vaccination, of any kind, it would be wise to give them at least two or three days at home, without anyone else’s germs to be fighting off, as their body work on its response to the vaccine. The same goes for adults who choose to get the flu shot: get it on a Thursday afternoon, take Friday off and don’t go out in public until Monday. Better safe, than sick. Your immune system can only handle so much at a time.

4. Vitamins and supplements

We have always tried to feed our girls real food. Even so, even when the majority of their diet is organic or at least non-gmo food, there comes a time when it is wise to use vitamins and supplements for better health. Personally, I am anemic. It is almost impossible for me to eat enough iron-rich foods in a week to keep up with my body’s demands. So every morning, I take a multivitamin with iron. I’ll probably still be taking it when I’m 70, although most women stop taking iron by their late 40’s. That’s just how my body works ( or doesn’t.) When our girls hit puberty, it was a war, so we decided that they needed to take a B Complex each and every day. Oh my, what relief… for all of us. Use what works for your children in their specific situation. Consider visiting a nurse-practitioner or a naturopath for advise on what to supplement with and in what amounts.

5. Stay home when you are sick

Again, this seems like a no-brainer, but I am sure you can think of someone just in the past week or two who you saw at (work, sporting event, church, grocery store, tc) who was obviously sick and would have been better at home. Yes, I know money is often the issue that sends adults back to work when they are still sick, but at least let your children stay home when they are sick. Let their bodies rest and heal. Call Grandma, your neighbor, a friend from church… there has to be someone that can watch your child.

One last thought

Bring the outdoors in, and take yourself and your family outside on a regular basis. Fresh air and sunshine fix a lot of immune issues. :)

#parentingtruth No. 15 - Be Different!

In a world where there are a million people telling you the right way to do something, today’s #parentingtruth is here to encourage you to skip the ordinary life and be different!

Why are we obsessed with being normal anyway? Does it go back to our own adolescent insecurities? Perhaps. Do you remember anyone during your middle school years telling you to be normal? Maybe the word in your mind was popular. Are we as parents still trying to win a popularity contest? If you find yourself muttering at this point, then it is time to take a hard look at what motivates your parenting choices. Normal is a setting on a dryer, or at best, it is an average. We are called to be so much more than average. Our lives should not be normal, or ordinary, but rather extraordinary, regardless of our circumstances!

When we choose to live our lives differently than the world around us, we need to check our motives. Without this step we might find ourselves trying to be different as a form of rebellion. Instead, hopefully, we can choose to parent differently than our neighbors, or even our own extended family because OUR family is unique. When you focus your parenting style on what makes your family unique, you end up having more fun, spending more time with your children, and enjoying life more.

No family is perfect, but you can find the perfect groove for your own family by varying the parts of your life to fit your family’s specific needs. If someone is allergic to milk, you can choose to make specific meals just for them, or you can choose to live a dairy-free family lifestyle. Either option regards the needs of that person, but how you live it out should depend on what works best in your household.

This is your family, and your life. It is OK to be different, because your family is different. I have two daughters, you may have two or three sons. You might have six children while your next door neighbor only has one. There will be similarities to how we all raise our children, but there should also be differences. If you are not trying to keep up with the Joneses, or worse yet, trying to be the Joneses, you can enjoy those unique quirks that make your family special.

Along the way you will hopefully find some family friends who aren’t afraid to be different from the crowd. They are probably different than you, and that makes them even more valuable. These differing viewpoints can help you walk the road of being different, without being scary, or forgetting to teach your children the important lesson of valuing each person and their choices. When our children grow up surrounded by a variety of faces and personalities, they become much better balanced adults. They learn how to ask meaningful questions when getting to know someone new, and they become interested in learning even more about the world around them.

For those of us parents who are Christians, we are called to live a life set apart. That does not mean that we stay away from the world, it means that we teach our children how to life a meaningful life in this world. It means we teach them how to serve others. It means we show them the love of Jesus and then help them shine that light to the people around them. Living a life set apart means being different - in a good way! In Matthew 5:16, Jesus told His followers: “In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.”

It is ok to be different! Keep loving your family, and keep gathering friends who want to live extraordinary lives as well!

#parentingtruth No. 14 - Evolving Friendships

This is a picture of my Mom and her friend Suzanne. They have been friends since they were college roommates over 50 years ago. What kind of friendship lets you laugh and have fun for decades? The kind we want to teach our children to have: honest, forgiving, long-lasting ones!




Today's #parentingtruth brought to you by the only thing besides God that is constant: change. 
Our own friendships evolve and we cannot expect our children's friendships to be any different. 


There seem to be four key stages children go through as they learn about friendship. Some of them only go through the stages once or twice, others seem to go through them every year. The stages are:

1- learning to be friends
2- everybody is my friend
3- no one is my friend
4- holding fast and letting go

These seem like a natural progression for us as adults, but our children need us to walk with them through the stages, because every friendship is a new experience for them.


Learning to be friends
Let's face it, teaching our children how to be a friend is a lot like teaching them how to share. There is no short cut, and you have to make them do it at first as you model the steps for them. Walk over to that person, introduce yourself, ask them their name, ask if they would like to play a game with you, or play with your ball. It can be a lot of hard work, and I think this is where parents often recognize the differences between their multiple children. No two children approach making friends the same exact way, so be patient.


Everybody is my friend
Here is where the elementary years are so fun, and often confusing to you as a mom or dad. Your child has gotten a taste of the fun hey can have in a group setting and suddenly everyone is their friend. There's the friend they sit by at school or 4-H. The friend they play with on the playground at the park, or the friends they have at the library, lego store, vacation Bible school, etc. They may or may not remember their new "friend's" name. Don't discount these easily made acquaintances as not being true friends. This is a stage, and better that your child learn to make a lot of casual friends and sort them out later than to be afraid of making friends because of an aside comment you might have made.


No one is my friend
You might make it all the way until puberty before you hear this one. If you do, consider yourself blessed. There will come a day when your kid is sad because it seems like no one wants to be their friend. It might be that they were the 11th kid in line when pairing up, or the last one picked for kickball. Whenever it happens, be a listening ear and a comforting shoulder to cry on. Remind them with your words and actions that they matter to you. Then find them something to do that they enjoy doing alone. It's okay to step away from the fray of childhood for a few hours of reflection and solitude.


Holding fast and letting go
As your children become teens, and sometimes before then, you are going to need to help them learn how to evaluate their friendships. This means a tactful look at which friendships are encouraging them to be better versions of themselves, and which ones are dragging them down to where they might become toxic. Each and every person on this earth has immense value, but not every person is going to make a good long term friend for your kid. Help them learn how to cultivate the friendships that inspire and encourage them, and how to treat with kindness and respect those friends that they need to let go. These decisions will be ones they will need to make their entire lives, so use the wisdom God has given you to help them sort through this tough part of life.


There is a fifth point to consider as your children are learning about friendship: Mom and Dad's friendships change over time as well. Be honest with your children about why you yourself are now spending time with new friends, and the best way to maintain or distance older friendships as needed. Too often we stop seeing our own friends because we get busy with our kids' activities, switch jobs, switch churches, or because they move away. Sometimes though, it is because we had a disagreement that neither of us can be adult enough to ask for forgiveness for. How you handle your own friendships can either help or hurt your children's perspective on friendships and their value. 

As an adult I would rather have five close friends than twenty-five acquaintances, but some people are the opposite. I need to be honest with my daughters, and my husband, about why I do or do not spend time with people that they knew used to be a big part of my life. For every person who thinks, "Wow, I haven't heard from her in a while, I wonder what happened?" there are are probably five people who did spend the time to find out what changed in our lives. Those people who you love who love you in return do not stop being your friends just because circumstances change. They are still in our hearts and lives, even if we don't see them in person as often.


You know the best part about being a parent and teaching your children how to be a good friend? Someday, they will grow up and be YOUR friends. Think on that one a minute and then have a wonderful Easter weekend. 
Jesus is risen indeed!

#parentingtruth No. 13 - puberty

Today's #parentingtruth is one that no one wants to talk about but everyone wants to know the answers for... you guessed it - how to handle puberty!

There are some simple things to remember when your child hits that dread age... usually sometime between 11 and 13. First off - you are not alone. Your friends are going through something similar with their kids, and they are probably just as confused, so hug each other often, pray for one another, and offer to take all the crazy kids to the park sometime soon.

Here's a key point to remember about your kids when they hit puberty, err, I mean when puberty hits them: everything around them and everything inside of them is changing and you as their parents need to stay the same! Mom still needs to be mom, Dad still needs to be dad, and you both need to pause before you answer any question and make sure you understand what your kid is asking of you. At this age they develop an uncanny sense of knowing when you are trying to multi-task and they will call you out on it. They need you - 110% of you - and you need to make sure you are available and listening. And regardless of what they say, they still need your physical presence right now - so go ahead and hug them every day. They might make a face, but they will appreciate it.

Puberty wrecks their brains. There is no nice way to say this, it just turns them into mush-heads. Girls who loved math now cry "I hate math." Boys who used to like legos now say "Um, no thanks, that's not cool." Do they really mean it? Probably not, but they are so confused by everything that is changing that they need a (figurative) hill to die on, so it is probably going to be math for girls and writing for boys. Why these subjects? I have no idea, but I've seen it often enough in our own daughters and with children of our friends that it just plays out that way. Whatever subject they used to love and now reject, don't let it throw you for a curve. Just try to think back to how crazy it was when YOU hit puberty and offer them some more grace - and some scheduling/ homework help!

Deal with the root issues. Lack of sleep, lack of compassion, defiance, these might all be outward signs that your child is struggling with something on the inside related to puberty. If they are not already taking a good multivitamin, now is the time to start them on one. Yes, you'll have to remind them - every single day - to take it, just do it. For your girls that were happy smiley 10 year olds who now turn into the Wicked Witch of the West at the drop of a hat - consider a strong dose of B Complex every day. At one point when both of our girls were dealing with the hormonal changes that puberty brings, they would harp on each other if they didn't take their vitamins: "you're a grouch, go take your B complex!" For either boys or girls who have trouble sleeping, you might want to look into a quality magnesium supplement paired with calcium. If all else fails, make an appointment for your child with your Doctor or Nurse Practitioner. Discuss options related to changed in diet and supplements, but don't automatically rule out other options. Some pre-teens are going to get hit really hard and may need some extra help to balance out their chemical makeup and stave off depression.

Be THAT parent. Yes, that parent that says "No" sometimes. Your children, whether they be tweens, teens, or somewhere in the middle are going to need you to make those hard choices for them. At the age when puberty hits them the hardest there are going to be so many new choices thrown at them: drama club, swim team, book club, band or choir, spring sports? So many choices, and regardless of what you may have read on the internet - they cannot do them all! Also be THAT parent who makes home a safe place for everyone. Be the parent that invites all the other half-crazy 11-13 year olds over to hang out. This is a crucial time to keep tying heartstrings with your children, and with their friends. (See #parentingtruth No. 12!) Your children's friendships are going to be constantly evolving and changing at this time in their lives. Set aside time to get to know them all their friends, so when your kid asks for help in deciding which friends to keep for the long haul, you can offer sound advice.

Finally, the biggest thing left to remember is that this is still your child! Puberty may have put them (and you) through the wringer, but your adorable little child is still in there somewhere. Spend one on one time with them. Do activities that matter to them, even if it is getting out those "not cool to friends" legos and helping them build the Death Star or a pink and purple shopping mall. Let them know they matter to you!

Your children are going to survive through puberty. You will too. But instead of making it a goal to simply survive, plan to help them thrive. They need you in a different way then they did at 2, or 6, but they still need daily interaction with both parents. If one of you travels a lot, it is time to invest in a phone that can Skype or FaceTime easily. Daily time spent together, whether you feel like it or not, is the way to still hold their hearts, even if they won't let you hold their hands anymore. :)

Now go find those adorable scamps and give them a hug!

#parentingtruth No. 12 - Tying Heartstrings

For our #parentingtruth this week I want to talk about tying heartstrings. I want to credit this train of thought to my dear friend Diana Waring who has taught for years and years about living a relational lifestyle while homeschooling. To look at the heart of how we relate with our children as even more important than how much they learn. You don't have to be a homeschooler to tie heartstrings, you just have to want to love your children better tomorrow than you have today.

For our family, tying heartstrings means sharing moments, memories, and the things we love. This photo was from the day several years ago when my Mom bought a new car. The girls and I went with her, because big events, or even small ones, are best when they are shared moments that turn into shared memories.

You can begin tying heartstrings with your children at any age, and then continue to do so for the rest of their lives. I'm 46 years old and I still enjoy experiencing things with my Mom... you're never too old to tie heartstrings! When you tie heartstrings through time spent with your children, you deepen the relationships you have. This is really important as they hit puberty, because that will be the time when it feels like they are cutting the heartstrings faster than you can tie them. But guess what, if you have tied enough of them during their earlier years, you will both weather those transitional years intact.

Cultivate those relationships with your children both in a group, and as individuals. Some times you are going to want to go on an expedition all together, maybe a trip to the zoo, to watch a baseball game, or to go hiking in the woods. On other days you are going to take time to go on adventures one on one. 

Remember that each of your children is an unique individual. Because of this, you need to set aside time to work on an activity that interests each child. As you value that time for them to be the center of your attention, they learn to share things that they are holding deep down in their hearts. That freedom to know Mom or Dad is listening can last a lifetime. Earlier this week Arlene (now 18) said to me, "Mom, I like when we have these deep philosophical discussions sometimes when it is just us in the car."

I didn't do anything special that you could not do to get to this point. I set aside time to listen to each child. I let them know they were safe, and I reminded them again and again that they are loved. 

As you think about your young children growing into young adults, imagine a relationship where you have so many heartstrings tied that you cannot even count them. It is possible, and it is how God wants us to live our lives. In community, with our families, loving one another.

Now go tie some heartstrings!

#parentingtruth No. 11 - relationships

Today I feel the need to circle back around to the parenting versus everything else theme once again. Think of it as another look at #parentingtruth No. 2, but from the perspective of your children.

Your marriage relationship should be greater than your parenting relationships, but only because you have all of your relationships in the correct places. If you are a Christian, then your relationships should look something like this:

1- God

2- Spouse

3- Family (children)

4- Family (parents, siblings, and other family members)

5- Church/ Christian friends

6- Job/ vocation

7- Hobby groups/ neighbors, others

While some of you may rearrange numbers 4-7, the top three need to stay in this order if you want to live a life with any semblance of peace. If you’re not cultivating your relationship with God by reading your Bible (or a Bible app) and praying on a regular basis - like daily, then your marriage and family relationships will go sour. If you repeatedly put your children before your spouse, you may wake up one day to an empty bed. Your spouse is not more important than your children as a person, because they are all important to God, but your spousal relationship needs to come first, and your children need to learn to respect that.

We all as parents are going to have days, weeks even, when our childrens’ needs are going to come first - someone is sick, they need a week of potty training, etc. Where today’s #parentingtruth comes in is when your children learning that they may not be happy with you doing something with Dad (or Mom) before you answer their question or read them a book, but they understand that your spouse is important, and learn to wait patiently. After all, your children will likely move out after around 20 years or so, but I truly hope you’re not waiting for your spouse to move out!

When children learn that our main priorities do not change, it gives them a sense of security. Knowing that Mom will always find time to read her Bible every week, or kiss Dad every day lets them know that even when their world is uncertain, like during a move to a new house or when there is upheaval among their friends, life at home can stay mostly the same…even if it happens at a different location.

One important part of this #parentingtruth about marriage being greater than parenting is taking turns being the disciplinarian. If one of you is always the good parent and the other one always the bad parent, your children are going to get confused about your characters. Don’t play good cop/ bad cop with your kids. If they misbehave about something that Dad told them not to do, then let Dad set the ruling about their punishment. If he told them to put their toys away and it did not happen, then if Dad takes all their toys from the floor and puts them in the garage for a week, Mom had better not sneak them out and give them back. On the other side, if Mom is really frustrated about something the kids are doing (or not doing - like taking out the trash), then Dad needs to step aside and let Mom lay down the law on the newly acquired chores those kids will be doing in addition to the ones they neglected. The best part about this type of a parenting relationship is that your children learn that neither of you is a pushover, AND that neither of you is always mad at them. They learn that both parents are more fun, and let the kids have more fun, when they do their chores on time and behave well. Don’t you want your kids to remember the fun you had as a family and not all the times of arguments?

The final part of today’s lesson about parenting is to be realistic. Some days you will falter. Okay, a lot of times you will feel like a failure as a parent. But if you forgive yourself, your children are more likely to believe you when you tell them that you forgive them when they fail.

Love people, starting with your Heavenly Father, and ending with everyone. The world already has plenty of cranky people, what it needs is more smiling ones. :)

#parentingtruth No. 10 - Poverty

Today’s #parentingtruth is a touchy subject: poverty. Why do we struggle to admit that there are many, many families living in poverty? And - what kind of poverty are they living in?

Let us begin with the first question, and work our way through to the second, and see how they both relate to parenting our children.

Poverty in America in 2019 will be defined as a family of four making less than $25,750, or a family of 8 making less than $43,430. These are the guidelines the US Government has established to use for judging whether or not a family might apply for various forms of assistance. How do these numbers translate? In 2017, the last year with numbers I could find, about 12% of Americans lived in households below the poverty line, while about 20% of children lived in a family at or below the poverty level.

Now, here is where real life experience kicks in: when the girls were little there were several years when we lived with an income below the (then current) poverty level. Yet, we never went hungry. Some people would say that this was because we had a good support network, which was true, but I contend it was because God was providing what we needed. 

What we call the poverty level in America is still pretty lush compared to most of the rest of the world lives in. So if you are focusing on how God is providing for all your needs, even if He doesn’t always supply all your wants, your outlook on life is much brighter.

Here is the second question:

There is a bad kind of poverty here in America, it is the kind where alcohol or drugs rule the family. This is not a poverty of the cash variety, but a poverty of the soul. This is the kind of poverty that we as Christians pray for Jesus to overcome. These are the households where someone’s addiction is causing chaos, either directly through abuse, or indirectly through neglect. This is the kind of poverty where children go to bed hungry, where basic needs are unmet, and where education and solid relationships are not valued.

If your family is dealing with a poverty caused by addiction or abuse - please, PLEASE get help! Call one of the national drug abuse hotlines, visit a local church or trustee’s office to locate help, or contact your local police station.

In our family we chose to be cash poor in order to be family rich. I resigned a good paying job in order to raise our girls. It was not always easy, but it was worth it! We spent a lot of time together, at home, at the park, playing in the yard, going to the library or free days at local museums. I would always rather have rich family relationships than have a bank account full of money.

If your family is living at or below the poverty line, or you know someone who is, please allow me to share some #parentingtruth tips we have learned over the years.

Rely on God, not money. Your provision should come from God, not your bank account. Think back to when Jesus was being tempted by Satan in the wilderness. Jesus shared the Scripture “Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.” Jesus was not saying that we could live without eating, He was reminding Satan that what God says matters more than anything else. God has been a provider from the very beginning of time, trust Him to be able to provide for you today. Many, many times I would sit down at my desk to pay the bills and pray “Lord, please multiply what we have to be enough to pay all these bills this month.”

Learn the value of a dollar. Living in a cash poor family does not ruin childhood, in fact, I want to make the case that it can enhance it. When a family does not have a lot of money to spend on gadgets and toys, a child is encouraged to use their imagination. Creative play starts in a child’s mind, and leads then to explore and appreciate what they create. When we were little my brother was always making us little figures out of paper to play with…mostly ones from Star Wars. When our girls were little they would use whatever they could find to create forts, dress up as princesses or knights, or recreate a zoo with their stuffed animals or plastic figures. None of this cost extra money, and yet, it kept us (and them) entertained for hours! When our children learn what a dollar can and cannot purchase, they appreciate everything more.

Reuse, recycle, barter. Did you grow up wearing hand-me-downs? While the world will always be around telling you that you need to buy more stuff, smart parents recognize the value in reusing things. If your 4 year old daughter can wear what her 6 year old sister used to wear, I say go for it. It might be nice to purchase a new storage cabinet or bookshelf, but if you can find one at goodwill or a garage sale that you can use, or repaint and use, for $10 instead of $80, I call that bargain shopping, or smart recycling! Did you know that you can still barter for things? While traditional bartering for goods requires you to fill out tax paperwork, there is nothing wrong with trading with other parents for some free time. When the girls were little several of us from church would take turns watching each others’ kids so each couple could have an occasional date night. You didn’t need a lot of money to accomplish it, just some time, and some patience…and some PBJ’s and crackers.

Make it yourself. One of the main keys of spending your limited cash wisely is learning to make things yourself. For some families that means making your own laundry detergent, for others it means baking your own bread. For a lot of us the easiest thing is to make your own food at home and not eat fast food. This might extend to sewing your children’s clothes or knitting them a scarf. It might also lead to planting a garden and growing your own lettuce, tomatoes and green beans. Learning a skill so that you can make one or more things yourself saves your family money. 

A second part to this #parentintruth about poverty is realizing all the things you really don’t need. Do you want it or do you need it? I want to be able to read a new book, but I do not need a new book. I can choose from several options: borrow the new book from the library, or from a friend; look for the book at a bargain bookstore; read a book I already own; go outside on a hike and come home too tired to read. :)

All of this can be summed up like this: It is okay to be poor. The quality of our lives should not be determined by what we own, but rather by the experiences we have, the relationships we are a part of, and the people we serve in the communities around us. This is a life that is full, abundant, and impacts others for their good. This is a rich life!

#parentingtruth - Spring Break

This week I'm taking a Spring Break from the #parentingtruth series. Don't worry, I'll be back next week. This week our 20 year old has Spring Break from her college courses. While we will not be making a trip to Florida (bummer) this week, I think it is important to spend time this week with her and her younger sister, just having fun.

That in and of itself should give you a #parentingtruth to mull over this week. Life travels by quickly, and soon, those little kids will be adults, and you'll be wondering how many more times you can spend time with them before they move out. So today, this week, I'm choosing to hang out with my kids, instead of typing.

If you have the chance to spend time with your children this week - take it! Hug them now, and they'll still want to hang out with you when they're grown. :)

#parentingtruth No. 9 - Learning to Read

Somewhere along the way an expert decided that all children should be able to learn to read well between the ages of five and seven. Today’s #parentingtruth is just me - dispelling that myth.

Most children in America learn to read between the ages of five and nine. The idea that a child is behind if they are not a proficient reader by age seven is a new one. Forty years ago when I went to Kindergarten, we were all learning our ABC’s together. Yes, there were a few kids who had gone to Preschool and already knew their letters, but I lived nearest the country elementary school, and not one of the city ones, so most of us had spent the previous year playing in our backyards and swinging at the park, not focusing on letters.

Sometime the summer before I started school, my parents, or at least my Mom, had gone to the school and our soon to be teacher suggested that they help us work on trying to learn our ABC’s before school started. You see, there is a HUGE world of difference between the 1970’s version of “try to learn” and the 2010’s version of “must know.” Did you know that there are school today where you cannot enter Kindergarten if you have not already mastered your letters, numbers and colors? Then what is the point of Kindergarten? Somebody stop that Merry-go-round now because it surely does not sound like a fun ride to be on!

So here I am today, telling all of you parents, that it is okay if your child has not become a fluent reader by age seven, or nine,… or even eleven. Each child is different, and it is up to you to decide if your child is meeting their potential. It is not up to a random standardized test to decide of their reading fluency is acceptable.

I think we all hope our children will learn to read at an early age, but that does not always happen. With our second daughter, it took a lot longer to learn to read, and then even more time for her to consider herself a good reader, than it did with her older sister. Reading is a subject where it is perfectly fine to be about average, but also okay tone slower than average. Your child will learn to read when they are ready. So stop pushing reading and get back to encouraging them to have fun as kids.

Here is the exception to the no pushing rule: if your child is being lazy or rebellious about reading, just to be a pain in the backside, then get to the heart of the matter with their attitude. Once that is dealt with, learning to read will be easier on both of you.

Now, about those encouraging activities. Read aloud to your children. Often! You can take them to the library and let them look at the covers of picture books and choose some to have you read to them. You can choose a few more books that look like they would be fun to read: silly stories like The Was an Old Lady, or stories about talking animals. You can choose some books that will challenge you as you read them aloud, like Dr Seuss. You can even choose a few books that you think might be a bit advanced for your children to listen to and appreciate, because you never know what subject might encourage them to listen well.

You can lead a child to a book, but you cannot make him read. So choose books about topics that interest him or her: dogs, spiders, cartoons, legos, unicorns, etc. Having a variety of books to use for read-alouds is the key to prevent yourself from getting stuck reading the same book every single day. :)

When your child does seem ready to learn to read, remember that there are a lot of different methods to choose from. Their school may focus on phonics, or they might focus on sight words. If what they try the first time isn’t working well for them, consider trying a different approach at home. If you are homeschooling, be willing to invest in more than one curriculum until you find what works.

Here are two last things to remember when your children are learning to read. 

1- English is the exception to the rule, so don’t expect them to become fluent readers overnight. Think about ch/ck, i/y, or s/c, these are complicated for almost all new readers, so be patient.

2- If your child just doesn’t get reading, even if they say they want to learn how to read, just take a short break. You can try again in six months.

One last thing: read-aloud time should not end just because your child can read. Keep reading to them, so they understand that you enjoy spending time with them, and that ultimately your relationship as parent/ child is more import ran than their reading proficiency.

Happy Reading!